Sometimes I think, but then again...

This semester has been a real doozie.  I chose classes that would stretch me, and boy have they!  In retrospect I probably should have spaced them out some.  So I've struggled to learn, understand, and retain this material while discerning what it means for my life, ministry, and it's exhausting!


I'm working on my final paper for my sacraments class (I know you're on the edge of your seats for that one, but go ahead and try to relax) about how the various understandings of Holy Communion are present in local food movements and systems.  So I'm doing a lot of reflecting on the various understandings and how my relationship to the sacraments has changed over the last several months.  Growing up we only had communion once a quarter.  That's the minimum requirement in the UMC, btw.  It was never explained exactly why we're doing it (sure Jesus said to do it, but beyond that, what does it mean?), and we didn't use an official rite.  Last year I went to Catholic mass, where, as a protestant and for a variety of theological and ecclesial reasons, I'm not supposed to participate.  This didn't bother me since I wasn't used to receiving it anyway.  This year I'm in a church where we have communion weekly.  At first it was weird.  The explanation of why we were doing it was shoddy (it's getting better) and it didn't mean a whole lot.  But when I went home for Christmas I missed it.  And since taking this class and coming to understand what's up (even just a little, because God's ways are sometimes often mysterious) my participation has changed.  I miss it--heck, I think about it, which is a change.  This year I went to Easter Vigil at the Catholic church where I attended mass last year, and it bothered me that I couldn't partake.  I missed it.  It's weird, and it's wonderful.

So, I'm sure you're asking yourself #1) when I'm converting, and #2) what some understandings of Holy Communion are...I can feel your questions bursting up from inside of you...  Okay, maybe not, but here's some info anyway.  Holy Communion is a service of:
1) Thanksgiving, for God's work throughout history, for Christ's life, death, resurrection, and looked-for coming, and for the Spirit's continuing work in and among us.  How can we not be thankful!
2) Fellowship, a gathering of the entire church, both local and around the world.  When we partake in the body and blood of Christ we are becoming the body of Christ in and for the world. Beautiful!
3) Remembrance, we are remembering what God through Christ has done for us, and when we do this the memory is so powerful that it becomes a re-presentation of Christ among us.  Christ is risen here and now for us!
4) Sacrifice, not that we're actually sacrificing Christ again every time we have communion, but that part of remembering is remembering the sacrifice, and realizing that just as Christ sacrificed himself for us we are to sacrifice ourselves and our wills and desires to God so that we can be transformed into the image of Christ to be used for God's will and work in the world.  God has a plan for us if we can put down our own blueprints!
5) Action of the Holy Spirit, so Christ is risen and is seated at the right hand of God, but we were sent the Spirit.  When we commune we ask that the Spirit be poured down upon us to empower us to do all the other things mentioned above--we can't do it alone.  We need the Spirit!
6) Eschatalogical, stick with me on this one.  Eschatology is the study of the end of history.  It is the outcome of God's plan.  We know Christ is coming again.  When we participate in Holy Communion we are participating in the entire history of God's people--past, present, and future.  It's a wild thought!  We are being nourished for life here and now, but we are to look forward to the fulfillment of God's plan.  In Holy Communion we get to participate in the connection between the past, present, and future.  When we understand that God's plan for the world includes our participation in making it a just, loving, and peaceful kingdom (much like Jesus advocated in his ministry) it shapes the way we act in the world--our actions of thanksgiving, fellowship, remembrance, sacrifice, and dependence on the Spirit matter.  Our lives and our futures matter to God and for God's kingdom!

How can you not want to participate in that?!  Srsly.  Hw?

Final, related (I swear!) thought.  I struggle with confidence.  I always have.  I probably always will to some degree.  Yet, I feel like I have these gifts I've been given for a purpose, to do something meaningful with.  I find myself comparing me to others (another not-so-positive about my internal dialogue) and the work I see them doing and I just don't measure up.  And I have to continually remind myself that I've only been doing this for almost two years.  If I stop and think about how much I've learned, grown, and changed in those two years it's amazing.  I'm amazing (in the most humble sense possible, as much as you can be humble and brag on yourself...but it's my self-reflection so get off my back!).  God's work in me (and in humanity really) is amazing.  It's the great thing about having a god that never leaves, forsakes, or accepts stagnancy.  God always expects more, not because God is some never-satisfied, middle-management boss who doesn't want to give you a raise, but because God knows what we're made of.  God's plan for us, and for all of creation, made visible in the act of communion, shows us what the expectation is.  It's faithfulness, thanksgiving, connectedness with the triune God and with one another, and it's love, justice, and peace.

So though I feel, quite frankly, like I'm drowning, it will somehow be okay.  God will send me to the Harvard library (where I currently am) where they keep all the knowledge about my topic (seriously, BU's library is terrible) and I will find sources and help there.  And God will be with me, and you, as we figure out how to finish the next two weeks (maybe that's more me than you, but maybe not) and how to live life.